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Before it all Started by Kenny

“Hey, Mike, I’m about to leave for a date with Tiffany. Don’t mess with my stuff while I’m gone.” Mike didn’t answer. As a matter of fact, Mike hadn’t said much of anything since Seth had laid the smack down on him. What he had done mostly was sulk, which was just fine with Seth. As long as Mike didn’t have that reality-warping smile on his face, everything was all right with the world. “Bye, Mike,” he said cheerfully and left the room. The second that the door closed shut, space and time warped so badly that the clocks in the next apartment melted. * * * Seth burst through the apartment door about a half-hour later, blowing steam from his nostrils and ready to turn one evil bastard roommate into chowder. “ALL RIGHT, MIKE, GET OUT HERE NOW, ‘CAUSE YOU ARE FUCKING DEA-Ugh!” grunted Seth, as Mike charged into him from behind, knocking Seth on his face. “I’m guessing that your date didn’t go too well, did it, Seth?” Mike said, working himself into a comfortable position on top of Seth’s neck. “You son of a--!” yelled Seth and tried to force his way up, but Mike dropped him back to the floor with a well-placed elbow to the head. “Geez, is that what you think of me, Seth?” asked Mike. “All I did was expose your hooker holiday to your girlfriend. Trust me, Seth, I could have done much worse.” Seth growled again and tried to free himself, but Mike, who had been a varsity wrestler in high school, had him pinned tight. “I mean, things would have been REALLY bad if I showed the school officials the tape of the frat party you were at last Friday.” Seth stopped trying to free himself when he heard this. Mike, sensing he had Seth’s attention, continued. “And it would be even WORSE if Mr. Williams found out exactly how you got an ‘A’ on the last history test.” Seth was silent. “And it would be massively, monstrously, MONUMENTALLY bad if campus officials stumbled across your stash of illicit substances, now wouldn’t it? “You… you…” Seth sputtered out. “What I’m going to do now is go see The Waterboy for the fourth time, and maybe get something to eat. When I come back, I expect you and all your stuff to be gone. You can crash at the frathouse. If you’re not, or if you ever bother me again, I will go to the proper school authorities and tell them one or more of these things. Do you understand?” Seth hesitated for a moment, then mumbled out a “yes.” “Good,” answered Mike. “Goodbye forever, Seth.” With that, he got up off of Seth and (somewhat hastily) made his exit, off to enjoy some wacky Adam Sandler hijinks. * * * “I don’t b-lllllieve it, man,” slurred Seth as he finished the fifth can of his six-pack of Coors. “I just don’t fuh… fuh… I can’t believe that bastard.” “Yeah, dude, that’s harsh,” answered Frank “Teletubbie” Jones, whom Seth had cornered and forced his story upon. Frank had considered perhaps leaving the frathouse and walking back to his dorm, but damn it was cold outside, and besides, his place was out of beer. “I’m gonna kill him,” Seth said. “I am.” “Dude, you just said you can’t do anything against him or he’ll turn you in,” Frank pointed out. “Then I’ll get someone else to do it. A guy like him’s gotta have lotsa enemies, right? He can’t trace it back t—“ Seth stopped to burp, then continued. “He wouldn’t be able to trace it back t’me.” “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Frank said, hoping that Seth would oh-god-please-for-the-love-of-Christ-almighty shut up now. “But there isn’t anyone bad enough. There’s not ANYONE who’s evil ‘nuff to take the bastard down,” lamented Seth miserably. “Hey, Frank, you don’t know anyone really really evil, do you?” “Lemme think,” Frank answered, hoping to give an answer that would make Seth finally stop talking. He searched his alcohol-saturated mind for anyone he knew that might possibly in some way fit the description of “evil,” and amazingly, his mind returned an answer. “Yeah, I know this one guy.” Seth sat bolt upright. “You do?” “Yeah, this guy’s evil. I mean, he’s really evil. He wears black all the time and he’s always talking about Satan and stuff.” “Great! Perfect! I’ll go find this guy right now!” Seth exclaimed, forgetting for the moment that Frank hadn’t even told him who it was. It didn’t matter in any case, because within seconds of getting up, Seth was overcome with nausea and passed out on the floor. “I’ll find him in the morning,” he mumbled out before losing consciousness. ----------------- Continue

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